5. Be an Early Bird–LIterally. Be a bird. Think about it: have you ever seen a magpie waiting in a deep line of grumpy parents wrangling overly sugared kids at your local mall? I, for one, have not. Early birds (or middle and late birds, for that matter) don’t worry about the hustle and bustle of the holiday season; they just happily fly and sing. So, if given the opportunity to swap places with one of our fine avian friends, do so. One trip fighting traffic for a last-minute present will have chewing up a worm and regurgitating it to your young looking like a pretty tempting alternative.
4. Don’t Charge–When faced with the inevitable standoff between you and another shopper who is staring down that last 8,000-piece Lego fire station gift set just as intently as you are, don’t charge……Throw something, instead, to (A) distract, (B) disorient, or (C) dislodge (if they already possess said piece of Christmas fabulousness.) Do NOT, however, charge. Under no circumstances! Charging could lead to a physical altercation in which you might lose both the toy and your dignity. Much better to chuck something and run.
3. Order from Amazon–A nice anaconda, delivered to your door makes a fabulous pet and teaches a geography lesson to your small child all at once. “It’s from the Amazon, son. It will grow up to 26 feet. Got any names in mind?” Watch your child’s face light up with holiday redness…now blueness…now purpleness….[grunting sounds]….”Let goouuuhhhh….” [Tired, heavy breathing] “Walk it off, son, walk it off.”
2. Buy Used–It’s not just for cars anymore. Candy canes, jelly beans, taffy, peanut brittle, and much more can be a drain on the old pocketbook. Used, however, these treats are sold at deep discounts (That’s right: DEEP DISCOUNTS!!!!!!) Why buy Mom fresh-cut flowers when a slightly used, slightly brown, slightly crunchy, possibly flammable bouquet will suffice? Dad doesn’t need NEW underwear. He likes them with holes anyway. Don’t believe me…just scope out the hamper! Imagine the savings on bulk, gently worn toothbrushes–a different color for every month of the year. Your family’s teeth will never be the same!
1. Let Santa Handle It–In a pinch? Look, he’s never let me down. Trust that jolly old elf. Don’t believe me, read the following post from a wise pundit: