As I awoke this morning, I noticed a few constants in my life: the sun had risen, the calendar had turned, and my partner in crime with THEKYSPORTSGUYS, CoachJHurt, was in the middle of yet another shot clock discussion. Ah…..these truly are the days of our lives.
If you don’t follow our Twitter feed, (a)what’s wrong with you(?!) and (b)I’ll summarize in the following paragraph:
Coach Hurt feels the shot clock homogenizes the game of basketball, causing teams to play at the clock’s pace as opposed to the pace they might choose, sans countdown clock. He is a proponent of keeping the high school game as is and has even gone so far as to do research and write thoughtful, reasoned posts on this very site. Go check them out. Just search “shot clock” and I can guarantee you’ll have posts a plenty.
Many have argued with Coach Hurt. Some have converted to his lucid and tranquil cult of clocklessness….some have chosen to eschew his wisdom in favor of their own anecdotal “information” and/or their basic human right to not allow facts to muck up a rigid belief system.
I, from the wings, have watched, grumbled, self soothed in various ways, and often shed a single tear at the mere mention of the shot clock. But no more!
I woke this morning with a message—a modest proposal, if you will—and here it is. Stocktony’s Shot Clock Solution.
Quarter 1–This quarter will be played normally, with no shot clock. Doing this will allow all of those both teams you’ve seen on the Internet who want to hold the ball by the halfcourt line like a basket of kittens, never dribbling, never shooting, never scoring, content to be boring and stale and like Virginia.
Quarter 2–Time to ratchet up the excitement. Quarter two has a 15-second shot clock. Why 15? Why not!? Fifteen seconds gives both teams an equally short amount of time to hoist the rock. Imagine how much fun pressing teams will elicit. Half-court heaves as teams just barely beat the ten-second count will lead to robust numbers on the scoreboard and excitement for those people who paid to attend a world-class sporting event.
Halftime-Players and fans alike will need a chance to catch their breaths after the thrilling second quarter, but no! Halftime will have a shot clock as well, a four-minute shot clock. Hustle in, hustle out. Play some ball! Patrons will barely be able to contain themselves and their excitement with the mass of confusion at the concession stand and in the bathrooms. What a thrill!
Quarter 3–Time to get really wacky and fun. We’ve all witnessed the third-quarter lull from teams who were otherwise playing a good game. Well, no more! Each team will send a player to the scorer’s table, and each of those players will be outfitted with a quiz-show-style buzzer. Rat-a-tat-tat! The buzzer man or woman, will be allowed to—willy nilly and without regard for sportsmanship, safety, or common decency—press the buzzer any time he or she so desires, thus signaling a shot clock violation. Now, that’s sports!
Quarter 4–The game is on the line. The coaches are stressed. The players are on their last legs. The crowd stares on with beautiful bemusement on their faces. It’s time to put the scoreboard operator to the ultimate test as he (or she) is not only allowed, but required, to choose the number of seconds on the shot clock for each possession. No favoritism Mr. (or Ms.) hometown volunteer worker. The game is in your hands…..literally.
[Scenario] Here’s a one-second clock for the opposing team! How do you like those apples, Mr. Crosstown rival!?
Ultimately, as we all know, fairness will prevail, and the fourth quarter will provide us with an uncompromising, unwavering, and unbelievable ending to an instant classic….
Final Thoughts-The Great Shot Clock Debate. Consider it put to rest, now and forever. I, TheStocktony, on this day of March 1, 2020, have fixed it all. Feel free to send thanks and/or monetary praises my way.